Good 'ole boy, you can just take yourself right on back to Deliverance, or whatever backwater craphole you crawled out of.

why is it, when you have a conversation with a complete stranger, they feel entitled to pass judgement on your life?  i get that a) some people are insecure, or b) some people are continual one-uppers, but maybe it's just c) some people are complete a**holes.

when you strike up little conversation with my kids in the Target line, don't try to make them feel crappy about their accomplishments, which you know NOTHING about.  are you so small and mean inside that you need to mock something a small child is proud of?  did that make you feel better as an adult?  i DIDN'T mention your unwashed hair, or ugly coveralls, or the nasty forearm tattoo that looks like a 5yo did it.  you make me want to rearrange your face when you act like you get off being mean to kids.  go on back to the boonies, or whatever rock you crawled out from under.  rednecks belong in the movies, not in line at suburban Target.  i hope you find yourself on the wrong end of a deliverance type situation someday.  

This is where I digress a little, but I get REALLY tired of being asked this question.

It's true.

My kids are blissfully unaware of the latest TV show, or current music, or the 
newest phone app. They don't know how to be cool, or exclude other kids, or what a clique is. They don't spend time surfing the internet or texting their friends. They don't know if their clothes are from the "right" stores, or what it means to have possessions as status symbols.

Here's what they do know.

They know how to help others, even strangers standing in a Walmart line. They know how to be best friends with each other. They know how to listen to and serve the elderly. They know how to use their imaginations and actually play without electronics. They know how to make people feel welcome and have intelligent conversation with adults and kids alike. They know, without ever being told, how to seek out and befriend the underdog.

So, the next time someone who is ignorant about homeschooling asks me if I worry about my kids' "socialization", I will just think about all these precious things that they know. And I will smile and say, "I doubt we're talking about the same thing."

Yes, it's getting warmer. No, I don't want to see any of your lady bits.

having once lived in florida for several years, i am well aware of the immodesty and general clothing sluttiness that goes on in warmer climates.  what would be considered inappropriate in other states is considered conservative in warmer states.  unfortunately, this concept has spread to the rest of the country.  we are now a nation who dresses their tween-age daughters like streetwalkers.  and apparently, lots of parents are okay with it.

i'll admit, i used to sneak my electric blue mascara (admit it--you're jealous!) out of the house and apply it at school, along with an 80s-sized dose of black eyeliner, ala Madonna.  but despite wanting to dress differently from my parents' expectations, i never ventured into ho-ville.  i just didn't want to wear laura ashley.

i have discovered that clothing retailers have adopted a new lingo for tween and teen clothing.  here's a helpful guide to what that means in real life....say, with shorts.

"shorty" or "mini" shorts--translation: you will be able to see all my lady bits, even whilst standing.  my parents probably bought me the condoms i'm carrying in my purse.

"midi" shorts--translation:  i can point out to my parents that this length is not the shorty shorts, and therefore, more modest.  my parents are fooled, but not the boys, because you can still see my lady bits when i sit down, or do anything but stand.  these shorts are for the parents who are lying to themselves about what their daughter is doing on the side.

"bermuda" or "maxi" shorts--translation:  my mother wants me to have no fun, EVER.  and i am her miserable chicos mini-me.

i see a market niche waiting to be filled, somewhere between future hooker and old-lady-in-training.  you're welcome.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Your car needs those rims....much, much more than actual working parts that affect your driving.

i saw a car today with shiny spinner rims, and a super loud (although not quality) stereo system.  the funny thing is, it had no rear windshield, a dangling bumper, no muffler, and a partial door on the driver's side.  yes, that's right.  HALF a door.

so i wonder....

1) does the owner care that the car is falling apart?

2) does the owner really, really love the spinning rims and loud stereo?  because last time i looked, that was kind of 5 years ago.

3) does the owner intend to fix the car ever?  as in, maybe if you sold those stupid rims to a friend of yours, you could start to have a functioning car.

4) do any of his friends actually ride in the car?  "i'll catch a ride with someone else, dude.  your ride blows."

5) it must really suck to be you when it rains.  or maybe just all the time.

priorities, people.  intelligent folks have them.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

You're dressed just like your daughter. How special.

ever notice that in more affluent areas, either the moms or the teenage daughters try way too hard?  either the mom is trying to dress like the daughter, and looks old and out-of-shape next to the teenager, or the daughter is trying to dress like the mom, and looks way too old and like she's ready for the street corner.  

i was in a nicer shopping area, and this look alike syndrome was everywhere.  my biggest pet peeve in all of the dressing alike is older women keeping the long, layered hair.  your daughter may look fabulous with beachy waves all the way down her back, but you do not.  as you get older, the hair thins, get colored, and generally ages you in a way that plastic surgery cannot correct.  it's even better when you top that off with an IDENTICAL outfit to your daughter's.  kudos to you for maintaining your figure, but despite the fact that you are able to shop at the same stores does not mean you SHOULD.  those same red skinny capris with wedges that are adorable on a 17yo are not adorable on a 48yo.....they're just sad, red skinny capris with wedges.  you are drawing a direct parallel with the same outfit, and guess what?  the younger person will always win that comparison. 

do yourself a favor, and dress appropriately for your age.  realize that you can still be fashionable without resorting to matching your teenager.  those days of fishnets and electric blue eyeshadow really ARE behind you. well, at least i'm praying they are.  i might laugh out loud in the street if they are not.

xoxo and all that sappy stuff,

mrs. awesome

Yoga pants are a sign of grooming laziness. Leggings are a sign of wishful thinking.

has anyone else noticed that yoga pants are the new black?  i know that it's not news, but why do women do this?  i suspect very few of us are actually coming or going from the gym.  let me tell you what i think when i see women dressed in yoga pants....i think, "wow.  rough day, was it? because you obviously didn't care enough about yourself to actually GET DRESSED."  i don't mean "get dressed" as in, all dressed up in fancypants.  i mean looking well-groomed. i mean looking like you showered, did your hair, applied at least minimal makeup, and are NOT wearing sneakers.

let's face it.  i stay home with my kids.  i homeschool my kids.  my everyday wardrobe includes mostly jeans.  but i draw the line at yoga pants.  i refuse to schlump around in knit pants with an expandable waistline, just because "they're comfortable".  no, i don't have it all together, all of the time.  not even close to half of the time.  however, nothing makes you feel crappier than going out in public looking crappy, too.  if you have the body of jessica biel, and the butt to match, then perhaps yoga pants are okay for you.  but for most women, soft stretchy pants just accentuate the bad.  when you wear real clothing (yes, even jeans), you can pick styles, colors, and patterns that are flattering on you.

and on a related topic, when did middle-aged women start downgrading from mere yoga pants to the ever-ugly legging?!? leggings are wishful thinking.  it's wishful thinking that they look good on you unless you're 15.  leggings are bad on nearly everyone that isn't 15.  please, please, PUH-LEASSSE stop wearing leggings if you are old enough to have children of your own.  it's called automatic disqualification.  get some real, grown-up clothes and step away from the leggings.


xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Yes, your life is SO busy. Oh. Wait, didn't you make it that way?

i'm getting a little tired of all the self-imposed stress that parents are whining about these days.  oh, you're SO stressed because little johnny has 2 baseball teams plus practice, and kaitlyn (and of course, the name must be spelled in some funky manner so as to distinguish it....is that a new requirement for all babies??) is on the competitive gymnastics team, and between THAT AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU DO, you barely have time for your yoga class and manicure.  

what about the people who have actual real stress they can't get rid of?  i can barely stand to listen to people's fake issues (which are created by their choosing), when the real issues in life can't be changed or taken away.  i have very little tolerance for whining about mani/pedis, and yoga classes, and so on.  my very real problems aren't going away.  i can't choose to not deal with the things in front of me, like caring for two seniors (one disabled, and one with alzheimer's).  i'm not complaining; i know that i definitely have much to be thankful for.....but then, so do you. 

the next time i have to listen to one more person act like her fake problem is on equal par with a real problem, i'm just gonna let it fly.  yep, your life is SO hard.  whatever WILL you do?  i can't IMAGINE what you must be going through.  wait, you mean it's NOT a life or death situation?  okay, then i DON'T CARE.  have a nice day.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Yes, you are rude. All the time. It's why no one likes you.

isn't it funny how perpetually rude people are so quick to call out other people's faults, but can't even hear the slightest criticism without flying off the handle?  it's as if they have a magnifying glass for picking at others, but can't even handle anything but fake positivity themselves.  i have a name for that.  it's called your big frickin' giant friend INSECURITY.

you see, normal, well-adjusted folks who LIKE THEMSELVES don't have a problem being corrected.  no one loves being corrected, but a secure person can take it for what it's worth, and move on.  sometimes the criticism is even a real learning experience.

what you're doing, you rude little turd, is taking everything you don't like about yourself, magnifying it or projecting it onto others, and then opening your mouth and letting the stupid fly right out.  i think everyone knows someone like this.  and today, i am just about to give some rude right back. there are limits to what one person should have to endure from another's mouth.  i'm all for walking away, but every once in a while, you have to let people know.  and, by the way, it feels GREAT to tell someone off.  i recommend you do it periodically, to enliven the senses and clear the air.  just not, you know, to your boss.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

You really need to move your sample stations, Costco, or I'm not responsible for any accidents that may occur.

i am not a sampler.  by that i mean, i hate and will not eat public samples....you know, the kind where the cute little old lady offers you a taste of microwaved burrito.  most of the samples are processed food that i wouldn't eat anyway, and i find the whole idea just kind of gross and unhygienic.  it's entirely possible that i feel this strongly because of my traumatic sample experience last year, but that's another story.

mostly, i wish that Costco would FREAKING MOVE the sample carts our of the main aisles and trafficways.  i went to Costco under protest today, because i knew it would be crazy.  1) it's a saturday, and it's always crazy on the weekend.  2) we're about to have a huge winter storm, which causes everyone to wig out and apparently, buy lots of bread.  3) murphy's law dictates that it will be crazy because i'm going with 3 children, and i'm feeling pissy about it.  

so amidst all this madness, Costco, in their great cleverness, decided to place sampling stations right in the middle of the refrigerated aisles.  who thought this was a good idea?!?  the aisle is barely wide enough for 2 carts to pass, and you have to take into account that people are opening doors to get items from the freezer.  it was a giant, huge traffic jam, and all because people were starving for a tiny sample of---get ready for it---pre-made, frozen jimmy dean sausage biscuits that had been heated in the microwave.  blech.  gross.  ewww.  if you're going to cause a major traffic jam, let it at least be for something good, like fresh fruit or ice cream.  who actually is dying to taste soggy sausage biscuit?  i seriously think people intentionally skip meals, and then have a hodge-podge of samples as a meal.  i would vomit if i ate that many different types of crap food.


it's not too much to ask that all the sample people be corralled to one area of the store.  the sample-givers and the sample-eaters can be slow, make mindless conversation, pig out on samples, block the aisle with their carts, let their children run wild, and in general, be obnoxious, FAR FAR FAR FAR--did i say far?--away from me.  because i am actually trying to shop, and checkout, and leave.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Your children are so polite and well-behaved. Really, lady? It's called manners.

in our house, we are very serious about manners.  my husband is a southern boy, who always addressed his parents with "yes, ma'am/sir".  my house wasn't quite that rigid, but we did practice basic politeness and table manners.  if you were rude at the table, you dinner was OVER.  period.  you just ate the next morning.  so, suffice it to say, neither one of us can stand bad manners.  when our kids are addressed by anyone, adults or kids, we expect them to speak up and use appropriate language. 

we ate out tonight to celebrate the oldest's school victory (finishing a gi-hugey math book), and went to a favorite bbq restaurant.  we go there often, because the food is great, and it's close.  we were sitting next to 2 families, with one child each.  these toddlers were holy frickin' terrors.  i mean, yelling, sassing, throwing food, rolling on the floor, and running around the table.  so after they finished their dinner (which traumatized the entire restaurant), one of the moms came over to our table.

stranger mom:  i just wanted to tell you how very good and well-behaved your children are!  it's such a refreshing thing to see.

me:  thank you.  that's nice to hear.

stranger mom: i mean, i don't know HOW you do that.  your children must be very good naturally.  you know, if you had a strong-willed child like MINE, then, well, you know.....

me: i'm not really sure what you mean.

stranger mom:  what i mean is that, i'd really LIKE to have a a kid with such good manners, but he's just full of high spirits, and it's so hard!

me: you know, you've hit the nail on the head.  most parents don't teach their kids to have good manners because it is a lot of HARD WORK.  it absolutely is.  so if it's too hard for you, then keep on doing what you're doing.  have a good night.

what the hell, lady?!?  first of all, my kids are more strong-willed than literally any other kids we know.  the difference is that we viewed it as important, spent the time, and worked hard with our kids.  we didn't wave a magic "good behavior in public" wand, and our kids weren't born with innate politeness.  it was work.  just like all the rest of parenting.  don't expect awesome results when you do no work.  at the rate you and your kids are going, it's gonna be a long 18 years for you, lady.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

I don't think that's a look, or I didn't know they made tuxedos like that.

we recently went to the symphony.  no, we're not classical music snobs, but we do enjoy almost all music.  one of my favorite bands was playing with the symphony, and the hubs bought me tickets.  this band is not exactly the type of fare that the average symphony goer probably listens to on a regular basis. so, it was an interesting hybrid of symphony regulars, and the band's regulars.

we dressed in what i would deem "bohemian meets hipster", and off we went. because there was a such a strange mixture of folks, the outfits were unbelievable.  if i could have done it surreptitiously, i would have taken MANY, MANY pictures.  some of my favorites were:

4) older lady meets Wiccan poncho meets light-up hooker shoes

3) circus ringmaster tophat meets zebra jacket meets hightop air jordans

2) plump middle-aged lady meets leggings meets short cowboy boots meets cropped t-shirt

1) ANNNND my personal favorite was old dude meets tuxedo jacket, white shirt, and bow tie meets pleated brown khakis meets clarks comfort shoes

enjoy the mental picture and try to keep the food down.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

If I could kill you through the phone line, I would totally send death rays.

pretty much, not a day goes by that i don't want to up and kill someone idiotic on the other end of the phone line.  sometimes, i don't think the person thinks about what he/she is saying.....annnnnd, sometimes, the person really IS that stupid.

the furnace needed to be fixed, as it wasn't maintaining the set temperature.  i spoke to several repair guys, but my favorite was this one:

repair guy: well, ma'am, what you need to do is turn up the heat in increments.

me: pardon?

repair guy: you need to turn it up, and then when it reaches the set temperature, turn it up again until you get the temp you want.

me:  so you're suggesting that if i set the thermostat in tiny increments, the furnace will magically keep up?

repair guy:  that's exactly what i'm saying.

me:  you're an idiot.  good-bye.  

i don't know about you, but in my world, taking something that's broken and trying to make it work in small time periods DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT IT'S BROKEN.  death rays, people, death rays.  if i had 'em, i would've used 'em.


xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome