You can't take a "not permitted" stance lying down.

first off, why does everything sound SO much snottier when spoken in a British accent? no matter what the words, you somehow feel like a naughty child when spoken to in a British accent.  secondly, i do not take kindly to being told i'm not permitted to do something....anything, even if i don't really want to do said thing, which in this case, i did.

i called Hunter Boots UK to track down a super cute pair of boots i saw on their website.  i couldn't complete the order, so i called and asked for a rep.  Hunter Boots rep Ellory oh-so-snottily told me, "you're not permitted to order boots from the UK website to the US."  i thought she must be mistaken, and told her i was willing to pay the extra shipping cost, etc., because i didn't see these boots for sale on the US website. she got extra special at this point, and told me that "there isn't that much demand for fashion-forward items in the US." really, Ellory?  this is the age of the internets, people.  we shop online globally, and expect to be reasonably accommodated.

cue total indignation and rage.  and a quick google search.  there just so happens to be a little thing called a parcel forwarding service.  they will provide you a UK address to their warehouse, where your package can be received, inspected, photographed, and shipped to anywhere you freaking want.

so take that, Ellory.  turns out i AM permitted....and my new boots are damn cute.


xoxo and all that sappy crap,


mrs. awesome

Is *NOT* wearing any pants the new black?

it has come to my attention that there are quite a few women walking around without pants.  in fact, i've noticed this phenomenon 5 times in the last 2 weeks.  i'm not mistaking leggings, or jeggings, or otherwise really-tight-pants-that-only-a-streetwalker-would-wear for no pants.  these women literally had NO PANTS.  

i can't imagine they're actually stupid enough to not know the difference between tights and pants, but tights CANNOT be worn as pants.  i don't care how "super opaque" they claim to be, or how thick they are.....honey, they ain't opaque enough.  in the most recent case, a young lady was wearing a very short dress; the problem is, she was about 6 feet tall, so the dress was actually like a long t-shirt.  it did not cover her butt, and ALL she had on underneath were black tights and underwear.  when i can see what kind of undies you prefer, that's NO PANTS.  when a passing little kid yells out, "Mommy, that lady's not wearing any pants!", that's NO PANTS.  when your camel toe is peeking out the front of your tunic/not-a-dress, that's NO PANTS.

i was at a loss for words.  you already know that i'm not a lover of yoga pants or leggings (unless you're under 18 or have the body of Heidi Klum), but apparently i've been ranting about the wrong folks.  these no pants folks, now THESE are the folks i need to be targeting.  stay warm, and know that you'll be warmer than all the ladies (i use that term loosely) with no pants.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Good 'ole boy, you can just take yourself right on back to Deliverance, or whatever backwater craphole you crawled out of.

why is it, when you have a conversation with a complete stranger, they feel entitled to pass judgement on your life?  i get that a) some people are insecure, or b) some people are continual one-uppers, but maybe it's just c) some people are complete a**holes.

when you strike up little conversation with my kids in the Target line, don't try to make them feel crappy about their accomplishments, which you know NOTHING about.  are you so small and mean inside that you need to mock something a small child is proud of?  did that make you feel better as an adult?  i DIDN'T mention your unwashed hair, or ugly coveralls, or the nasty forearm tattoo that looks like a 5yo did it.  you make me want to rearrange your face when you act like you get off being mean to kids.  go on back to the boonies, or whatever rock you crawled out from under.  rednecks belong in the movies, not in line at suburban Target.  i hope you find yourself on the wrong end of a deliverance type situation someday.  

This is where I digress a little, but I get REALLY tired of being asked this question.

It's true.

My kids are blissfully unaware of the latest TV show, or current music, or the 
newest phone app. They don't know how to be cool, or exclude other kids, or what a clique is. They don't spend time surfing the internet or texting their friends. They don't know if their clothes are from the "right" stores, or what it means to have possessions as status symbols.

Here's what they do know.

They know how to help others, even strangers standing in a Walmart line. They know how to be best friends with each other. They know how to listen to and serve the elderly. They know how to use their imaginations and actually play without electronics. They know how to make people feel welcome and have intelligent conversation with adults and kids alike. They know, without ever being told, how to seek out and befriend the underdog.

So, the next time someone who is ignorant about homeschooling asks me if I worry about my kids' "socialization", I will just think about all these precious things that they know. And I will smile and say, "I doubt we're talking about the same thing."

Yes, it's getting warmer. No, I don't want to see any of your lady bits.

having once lived in florida for several years, i am well aware of the immodesty and general clothing sluttiness that goes on in warmer climates.  what would be considered inappropriate in other states is considered conservative in warmer states.  unfortunately, this concept has spread to the rest of the country.  we are now a nation who dresses their tween-age daughters like streetwalkers.  and apparently, lots of parents are okay with it.

i'll admit, i used to sneak my electric blue mascara (admit it--you're jealous!) out of the house and apply it at school, along with an 80s-sized dose of black eyeliner, ala Madonna.  but despite wanting to dress differently from my parents' expectations, i never ventured into ho-ville.  i just didn't want to wear laura ashley.

i have discovered that clothing retailers have adopted a new lingo for tween and teen clothing.  here's a helpful guide to what that means in real life....say, with shorts.

"shorty" or "mini" shorts--translation: you will be able to see all my lady bits, even whilst standing.  my parents probably bought me the condoms i'm carrying in my purse.

"midi" shorts--translation:  i can point out to my parents that this length is not the shorty shorts, and therefore, more modest.  my parents are fooled, but not the boys, because you can still see my lady bits when i sit down, or do anything but stand.  these shorts are for the parents who are lying to themselves about what their daughter is doing on the side.

"bermuda" or "maxi" shorts--translation:  my mother wants me to have no fun, EVER.  and i am her miserable chicos mini-me.

i see a market niche waiting to be filled, somewhere between future hooker and old-lady-in-training.  you're welcome.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

Your car needs those rims....much, much more than actual working parts that affect your driving.

i saw a car today with shiny spinner rims, and a super loud (although not quality) stereo system.  the funny thing is, it had no rear windshield, a dangling bumper, no muffler, and a partial door on the driver's side.  yes, that's right.  HALF a door.

so i wonder....

1) does the owner care that the car is falling apart?

2) does the owner really, really love the spinning rims and loud stereo?  because last time i looked, that was kind of 5 years ago.

3) does the owner intend to fix the car ever?  as in, maybe if you sold those stupid rims to a friend of yours, you could start to have a functioning car.

4) do any of his friends actually ride in the car?  "i'll catch a ride with someone else, dude.  your ride blows."

5) it must really suck to be you when it rains.  or maybe just all the time.

priorities, people.  intelligent folks have them.

xoxo and all that sappy crap,

mrs. awesome

You're dressed just like your daughter. How special.

ever notice that in more affluent areas, either the moms or the teenage daughters try way too hard?  either the mom is trying to dress like the daughter, and looks old and out-of-shape next to the teenager, or the daughter is trying to dress like the mom, and looks way too old and like she's ready for the street corner.  

i was in a nicer shopping area, and this look alike syndrome was everywhere.  my biggest pet peeve in all of the dressing alike is older women keeping the long, layered hair.  your daughter may look fabulous with beachy waves all the way down her back, but you do not.  as you get older, the hair thins, get colored, and generally ages you in a way that plastic surgery cannot correct.  it's even better when you top that off with an IDENTICAL outfit to your daughter's.  kudos to you for maintaining your figure, but despite the fact that you are able to shop at the same stores does not mean you SHOULD.  those same red skinny capris with wedges that are adorable on a 17yo are not adorable on a 48yo.....they're just sad, red skinny capris with wedges.  you are drawing a direct parallel with the same outfit, and guess what?  the younger person will always win that comparison. 

do yourself a favor, and dress appropriately for your age.  realize that you can still be fashionable without resorting to matching your teenager.  those days of fishnets and electric blue eyeshadow really ARE behind you. well, at least i'm praying they are.  i might laugh out loud in the street if they are not.

xoxo and all that sappy stuff,

mrs. awesome